Friday, June 1, 2007

If you want to be Spiderman... here are the rules:

So, I was sitting down in my journalism class. I'd 'just seen Spiderman 3. That web-swinging blockbuster hit the pavement. Splat. And made money. Anyhow, now there is an opening.

Here are some requirements to consider before applying for the job:

By Simon Limerick

  1. You may have superpowers, but you will never be normal again.
  1. You can never settle down.
  1. You will always feel the responsibility to help people
  1. People you know and love may meet unfortunate ends.
  1. Just because you have spider powers doesn’t mean you can do whatever you want. Like your uncle said, “With great power comes great responsibility.”
  1. Every girl you ever date will be kidnapped by your arch nemesis.
  1. Your list of enemies will grow exponentially with every bad guy you take down. The job will never be finished, only delayed.
  1. In the end, the people you are trying to save may hate you for it.
  1. Likewise, they may also love you for it. It’s a love-hate relationship.
  1. You won’t get a dime for risking your neck day-after-day. Heroism is its own reward.
  1. On second thought, you will get a reward. More bad guys. See Rule 7.
  1. When your costume gets ripped, you have to sew it. When you get punched, you have to treat it. ‘Can’t let just anyone know who you are now can you?
  1. Your costume must have colors, bright reds and eye-catching blues. Camouflage would make life too easy.
  1. You can spin webs, but don’t let the city catch you doing it. That’s abandonment of personal property and littering.
  1. You are a vigilante and vigilantism is illegal. Don’t be surprised if the cop you pushed out of harms way slaps the cuffs on your wrists.
  1. You can’t break those cuffs. If you do, that’s illegal... and you’re the good guy. See where this is going?
  1. If you jump into a burning building and save a woman, but leave her dog behind, the newspaper WILL call you a dog killer.
  1. If you come across a black costume that regenerates itself, you absolutely, positively, MUST wear it, simply because its better for combat. See Rules 12 and 13.
  1. However, if you wear it you will go from loveable nerd to arrogant jerk faster than a speeding bullet. Which brings us to the next rule.
  1. You are not bullet proof. That’s some other guy. You do have spider-sense though so if bullets happen to fly your way move, think fast.
  1. Remember what we were saying about bad guys? Yeah… every couple of years a really,really big one is going to come (we’ll call them supervillains). He or she could have anything, from oddly shaped explosives to big mechanical arms.Weird? Yes, but this is the life you have chosen.
  1. The supervillain will probably be mentally unstable, psychotic, and prone to going off on long monologues about why you are the real bad guy. To top it all off, he will probably find out your secret identity and attempt to kill the ones you love. See Rule 6
  1. Good news! You don’t have to wear glasses!
  1. Bad news. You can’t go to a normal doctor. Why? If they decide to take your blood, they’ll notice that it isn’t entirely human…then the secret’s out.
  2. To top it all off, as Spiderman, you don't have a steady job. Enjoy.

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